Foolish Friday Funny

Two bacteria walk into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve bacteria".
Bacteria say, "But we work here, we're staph."

Foolish Friday Funny

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Foolish Friday Funny

Why did the cannibal live on his own?

He was fed up with other people.

Foolish Friday Funny

When do cannibals leave the table?

When everyone's eaten.


(I know....it’s bad, very bad.)

Foolish Friday Funny

Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife?

It was in the newspaper, in the current affairs section.

Foolish Friday Funny

Man: Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming about my eyes changing colour!

Doctor: Don't worry - It's just a pigment of your imagination.

Foolish Friday Funny

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Foolish Friday Funny

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Foolish Friday Funny

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?

An udder failure

Foolish Friday Funny

What's the difference between a woman running down the street and a sewing machine?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

Foolish Friday Funny

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

Foolish Friday Funny

What happened to the cannibal who came to dinner late?

He got the cold shoulder.

Foolish Friday Funny

What did the hen say when she saw a plate of scrambled eggs?

What a bunch of mixed up kids!

Foolish Friday Funny

What do you call a cow with only 2 legs?

Lean beef.

Foolish Friday Funny

What do you call a woman lying in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

Foolish Friday Funny

A nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette".

Foolish Friday Funny

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?

To keep his wigwam.

Foolish Friday Funny

Q: What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?

A: Rick O’Shea

Foolish Friday Funny

"May I take your order?" the waiter asks.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir," he replies. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Foolish Friday Funny

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

Foolish Friday Funny

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?"

"Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man.
"No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.

Foolish Friday Funny

What do hippy horses eat?

Hay, man.

Foolish Friday Funny

I have a very nervous guitar playing friend.

He’s always fretting about something.

Foolish Friday Funny

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning about 10ish"

To which Sean replies "Tennish? I don't even have a racquet"

Foolish Friday Funny

I took a beer bottle to the recycling centre, but they wouldn't take it.

They said: "This is the pint of no return.”

Foolish Friday Funny

What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

Reg



What do you call a man with an odometer on his head?

Miles

Foolish Friday Funny

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

***************************************************************

AND - because it's my BDay tomorrow....here's an old fave:

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?
"The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".

Foolish Friday Funny

Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because its feet smell.

Foolish Friday Funny

Did you hear about the terrorist that tried to blow up a picnic?

His efforts were hampered.

Foolish Friday Funny

Ok, so it’s current....


I gotta say, I'm finding all this talk about Swine Flu pretty boaring.

*************************

I just called the National Swine Flu helpline...
All I got was crackling.

Foolish Friday Funny

Q. What do you call a man with no shin?

A. Tony

Foolish Friday Funny

Q: Why did the apple go out with a fig?

A: Because it couldn't find a date.

Foolish Friday Funny

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to piss off."

Foolish Friday Funny

What did the bedspread say to the sheet?
I've got you covered.

Foolish Friday Funny

I phoned the local builder today, I said to him 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

Foolish Friday Funny

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

Foolish Friday Funny

What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?

Nacho Cheese.

Foolish Friday Funny

"What do you do if you see a space man?

"Park your car, man."

Foolish Friday Funny

Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled?

A: A tubby.

Foolish Friday Funny

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Foolish Friday Funny

How many hired hands does it take to change a light bulb?


Many.....because we all know that 'many hands make light work.'

Foolish Friday Funny

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Foolish Friday Funny

Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved

Foolish Friday Funny

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book

the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Foolish Friday Funny

What do you call a French man in sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

Foolish Friday Funny

f(x) walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Sorry we don't cater for functions".