Foolish Friday Funny

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"

The librarian looks up and says,"Feck aff! Ye'll no bring it back!"

Foolish Friday Funny

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a country breakfast with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Foolish Friday Funny

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."

Foolish Friday Funny

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Foolish Friday Funny

Late one night Martin's doorbell rang.

When he answered the door, he found a six-foot cockroach standing there.

The bug grabbed Mart by the collar, punched him in the eye,
threw him across the living room and then ran off.

The next day, Martin went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.

"Ah, yes," the doctor said when Martin explained what had happened.
"There's a nasty bug going around."

Foolish Friday Funny

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.
She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

Foolish Friday Funny

"How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?"
























- Go back and read it again, slowly....

Foolish Friday Funny

Three moles are lined up in their tunnel.
The first one sticks his head out, and says" I smell something sweet, like sugar".
The second one back in line says "I think I smell it too, but it smells more like honey",
The third one at the back chimes in "all I smell is molasses".

Foolish Friday Funny

Two vultures board an aeroplane, each carrying two dead squirrels.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Foolish Friday Funny

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?
"The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".

Foolish Friday Funny

PATIENT: Doctor, I think I'm shrinking.

DOCTOR: Calm down. Be a little patient.

(It's baaad I know....but that's what the FFF is all about!)

Foolish Friday Funny

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on.
"I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

Foolish Friday Funny

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

Foolish Friday Funny

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head?

A: Beatrix

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?

A: Beatrix Potter.

Foolish Friday Funny

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head?
A: Beatrix

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter.

Foolish Friday Funny

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing.
Doctor: "What are the symptoms?"
Patient: "They're those yellow people on TV."

Foolish Friday Funny

A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years.
One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.
The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.
The manager turned him down.
The bag boy said, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager said, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."

Foolish Friday Funny

Two cough sweets walk into a pub, one asks for a gin and tonic and the other for a cider.
The barman refuses to serve the red cough sweet her gin and tonic, but the green and white cough sweet is served very quickly.

"I thought we didn't serve cough sweets any more," remarked a watching bar maid.
"We don't as a rule," replied the publican, "but she looked f*cking menthol."

Foolish Friday Funny

Two men in an airport bump into each other.
The first man says 'I can't find my wife'
The second replies 'I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?'
"Well", the first man replies, she's 5ft10, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt and high heels.
What does yours look like?'
"F*ck her", says the second man, "Let's look for yours".

Foolish Friday Funny

An amnesiac walked into a bar.
He said, "Do I come here often?"

Classic Cod

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked."He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...............

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

Foolish Friday Funny

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.

Foolish Friday Funny

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Foolish Friday Funny

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him.... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Foolish Friday Funny (double dose)

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.

********************************************************************

A penguin walks into a bar, and says to the barman,
"My brother was in here earlier, have you seen him?"
The barman replies, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

Foolish Friday Funny

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Foolish Friday Funny

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

FOOLISH FRIDAY FUNNY 18 May

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

FOOLISH FRIDAY FUNNY 11 May

There was a guy who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh….No pun in ten did.

THE FOOLISH FRIDAY FUNNY 4 May

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.