Foolish Friday Funny

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a poo."

Foolish Friday Funny

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?


To get to the other side.

Foolish Friday Funny

What did the aspiring Yogi say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Foolish Friday Funny

A woman went to France on a wine-tasting vacation.
Unfortunately, while in the capital city, she drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast.
When she got home, she swore never to get plastered in Paris again.

Foolish Friday Funny

Two Fish are sitting in a tank, the one turns to the other and says,
"Any idea how to drive this thing?"

Foolish Friday Funny

Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and chip shop - a lot of fish got battered.

Foolish Friday Funny

A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and Peace.
The dog sat beside him and the audience was amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the film.
When the heroine was facing dire straits the dog would howl and when things were going well he'd bark and wag his tail.

After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!"
The man replied: 'I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."

Foolish Friday Funny

I said to my Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He asked "How flexible are you?"
I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays or Thursdays".

Foolish Friday Funny

Two snowmen are standing in a field.

One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

Foolish Friday Funny

Q: What is black & white and eats like a horse?

A: A Zebra

Foolish Friday Funny

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

Foolish Friday Funny

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'

The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!'

Foolish Friday Funny

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"

Foolish Friday Funny

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender brings the beer and the neutron asks..."how much"...the bartender replies "for you, no charge".

Foolish Friday Funny

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no idea

Foolish Friday Funny

Why did the Lobster blush?

Because the seaweed.

Foolish Friday Funny

First cow says to the other, "So are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease going around?"

Second cow goes, "Why should I be? I'm a squirrel."

Foolish Friday Funny

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Foolish Friday Funny

Q Why did the pirate go on holiday?

A To get a little aar and aar!

Foolish Friday Funny

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said 'No change yet'.

Foolish Friday Funny

An octopus walks into a bar & says ‘I can play any musical instrument you like'.

Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.

Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton.

Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles about a couple of minutes & the Scotsman says 'What’s wrong, can ye no play it?'

The Octopus says 'Play it? - I'm gonna shag her brains out once I get her pyjamas off...’

Foolish Friday Funny

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

Foolish Friday Funny

A girl walks in to a pet shop and says “do you sell large white bears?”

Before the shopkeeper can answer a man rushes in and says “Don't serve her, she's escaped from Tara.”

“What's wrong?” says the pet shop owner.

“She has 'buy polar’ disorder.”

Foolish Friday Funny

There are two cows in a field - how do you tell which one is on holiday?

It's the one with the wee calf.

(I know it's another Scottish one...that's who I am, I cannae help it :)

Foolish Friday Funny

Why don’t oysters give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

Foolish Friday Funny

A man walks into a bakery, points and asks the girl behind the counter

"Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

"No, you're right, it's a macaroon."

*requires a VERY strong Scottish accent - if you don't get it let me know and I'll get my mom to call you :)

Foolish Friday Funny

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"

The librarian looks up and says,"Feck aff! Ye'll no bring it back!"

Foolish Friday Funny

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a country breakfast with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Foolish Friday Funny

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."

Foolish Friday Funny

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.